* * * TOP SECRET * * *
April 1, 2017 Agent, we need your help to stop an evil megalomaniac from taking over the country and destroying the world.
From Russia With Troll
The very foundations of our democracy are in peril. The nefarious Mr. Peach has leveraged his sub-standard steak brand and internet degree empire to position himself into the highest office in the land. From there, he plans to take credit for pre-existing employment and stock market trends brought about by a much cooler dude, while enacting legislation to create divisions in the global populace.
Over time he will geoengineer the atmosphere to rapidly warm the planet so that he might open countless golf resorts. By the way, who plays golf anymore?
The Wyden Identity
Your mission, should you choose to accept it: Help McCain finally redeem himself for Sarah Palin as you legally obtain a FISA warrant and crack the code of the super-awkward emoji exchange between the Russian ambassador and Mr. Peach. And the Russian ambassador and several members of Mr. Peach's transition team. And the House intelligence chair (com'on, you know it). Wow, that Russian ambassador really gets around.
Finally, you and your team of young agents must make sure the public never accepts random angry racist and sexist internet flame wars as normal behavior from a theoretically adult human.
Take heart agents and remember the code phrase: "Smell like cabbage. Small hands".
For this camp, lunch is provided: orange salad with Russian dressing.
This copy of the Washington Post will self-destruct in ten seconds. Nine... eight... seven...